


As they grow restless, longing for some solitary company

by Zaryav



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson, Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson (Broadway Cast) Actor RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, First Dates, First Kiss, First Love, First Time, Fluff, Idiots in Love, Lies, M/M, Soft Connor Murphy (Dear Evan Hansen), Soulmate-Identifying Marks, Soulmates, Teen Romance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-02
Updated: 2020-08-24
Packaged: 2021-03-02 02:47:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 17,607
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23957908
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zaryav/pseuds/Zaryav
Summary: Everyone gets his mark at age sixteen, but Evan doesn't have one and ends up drawing a fake mark on his wrist, which wouldn't be a problem if it wasn't for Connor Murphy sharing the mark with him. Evan doesn't know how to tell this beautiful boy that his mark isn't really real. Time passes and Evan falls more and more in love with Connor without being able to tell the truth.He doesn't know that Connor lied about his mark too.
Relationships: Evan Hansen/Connor Murphy
Comments: 30
Kudos: 115





	1. Though we're strangers 'til now.

**Author's Note:**

> English isn't my mother tongue, so I would appreciate it if you would report any errors.

Evan groaned when he got to school that morning.

Each May the soulmate marks were drawn on the arms of people over the age of sixteen, yet Evan was seventeen and still had none.

Not that Evan thought his life was going to be much worse if he didn't get his soulmate, but Evan longed for the idea of having someone by his side. But not like "Oh hey, I can't really live alone and on my own with absolutely no one", no, please no, he just had a romantic heart.

"Acorn boy!" Jared comes to his side running running through all the students. Evan turns around scared because people are watching. So Evan blushes when Jared reaches him.

"Hi Jared," he whispers.

"Watch this." Jared raises his arm showing a mark that looks like a drawing of a bath bomb. "Isn't that amazing? I missed this shit, but I haven't seen anyone with whom to share a bit of the Kleinman flavor around here."

Evan nods sheepishly. "Maybe it's somewhere else, like the coffee shop, or the ice cream parlor, or somewhere far away from here. I'm not saying I hope it's far away, just maybe, uh ... maybe it's out of your reach, But not in that way! In a good way, only it's very far away and so ... you cannot or cannot, in fact yes, as you know like this and ... "

"Jesus Christ, man, relax." He puts a hand on Evan's shoulder and pushes him lightly. "Of course she's not here. No one around here is enough for all of this." Jared points to his entire body with a mischievous look.

"She? Uh ... is she always a girl?" Evan looks around before speaking and makes sure to lower his voice.

Jared turns to look at him as if two fire-breathing heads have come out. "No, the girls get boys too, unfortunately there is not enough Jared for everyone." Evan's cell phone vibrates in his pocket surprising Jared. "Do you receive calls?"

"N-No, it's my alarm to arrive fifteen minutes early to the classroom."

"Pathetic."

Evan blushes again and trembles a bit of embarrassment.

"Anyway, I must go, I have this science shit."

"Uh, yeah, bye." Jared doesn't respond and disappears into the crowd of noisy students.

Evan sighs as he finishes checking out his books to take literature class. He can see around him that everyone's showing his marks, he gets a little depressed when the voice in his head repeats that he will never have one. He's so distracted that he doesn't see a boy walking towards him until they collide and both fall to the ground.

People begin to mumble and can hear a "this boy is dead" in the background coming from a girl's voice. It takes Evan a few seconds to get his feet back on the ground, the impact left a huge pain in his butt.

In front of him is a boy with long hair and clothes that are too baggy for his slim body. The boy looks at him through his hair before standing up and running away with long strides.

"Oh my God, I'm sorry." A girl breaks through the crowd and crouches at his height. "My brother pushed you and then he just left, sorry."

Evan looks at the girl. It's Zoe Murphy from the school jazz band, kind of like the cutest girl in the place, Evan blushes even more under the gaze of this sweet girl. "That n-wasn't what-

"Don't try to excuse him, he should have a little respect for people." Zoe shakes her hand to stand up.

Evan hesitates to take it because _"ohmygod, it's Zoe Murphy's hand who's like the most charming girl in the world, and those are her jazz hands, although it's not like she's doing jazz hands."_ But he finally shakes her hand not without first cleaning her because he didn't want her to notice that his hands were sweating when he was nervous and he didn't want Zoe to notice that she was making him nervous.

"Thanks," he whispers.

"It's nothing, Evan." And she knows his name. "I have to go."

"Yes ..." she smiles at him one last time.

But Evan didn't explain that his brother didn't push him and tried to reach her to solve the confusion, but there were five minutes left for the class.

He's late, Mrs. Perkins scolded him and didn't remember his name, so the rest of the class laughed which made Evan feel worse. He moved awkwardly to his place, tripping over a few things in his path until he found an empty seat at the far end. Evan wanted to cry and hated himself for being so weak and so invisible at the same time.

"Alright, guys, so like I was saying before being interrupted." Some students chanted a low boo that made Evan shiver. "Quiet, guys. Anyway, I know this month is important for all of you, everyone's receiving their marks and some will be knowing their partner for life."

"Did you know yours?"

"Oh of course it took me two years, but I found him, a charming young man I met in college."

"Is it true that the mark only appears until the age of seventeen?" asks a girl at the front of the room drawing everyone's attention, Evan included.

"Yes, there is no record of people who have not obtained a mark, except 'the separated'. And before you ask, Mr. Crawford, 'the separated' are those who cannot receive or give love, so they do not have a mark."

Evan felt a hole in his stomach.

"Like stupid psychopaths or something," said one boy.

Like psychopaths. Maybe Evan was a psychopath, a sick and rejected person that no one would ever love and would never be able to love. Only a solitary being that destroys everything that exists.

"Yes, something like that, they are all taken to medical centers to study them."

Oh no. Evan didn't want to end up like that boy in the video of Panic! at the Disco tied to a chair. He wanted to see his mother and then ...

Evan begins to hyperventilate and wants to vomit, his face loses color and the tears begin to fall hard making a lot of noise. He tries to stop, but cannot control it. Everyone is looking at him and it only makes things worse because they mumble and point at him and he needs to get out.

Mrs. Perkins looks at him like he's crazy and asks him to leave the room. Alana Beck stands up and shoots the teacher an annoyed look only to approach Evan and accompany him to the infirmary.

"Evan, take it easy, I'll take you to Nurse Collins."

Evan looks at the white room, it smells good. He calmed down a few minutes ago, but he needs to brush his teeth because he vomited and he knows it will smell disgusting, but he also doesn't want to leave the infirmary because he feels that everyone knows what happened to him (and they know why his body reacted like this.)

He actually needed to find a way not to be taken to a clinic to be studied, Evan was afraid of needles, and the fluorescent lights on his face, and having all that attention on him. He did not want to be carried like an alien, or worse yet, a shrimp.

The door opens, the nurse announces that classes are over and that she must leave. Evan does so, he takes his things and leaves the school making sure to go unnoticed among the few people who still remain in the hallways of the school. He just focuses on getting on his way home as fast as he can with a single idea in mind.

Yes, maybe he was going to be left alone all his life like depressing shit, but he definitely wouldn't be taken by men in white coats to be studied.

He went up to his room, took a down from his mother's drawer and drew the first thing that came to mind.

He traced a nice winter oak tree on his arm as best he could. It was lucky to know how to draw each type of memory tree. And if things worked, then Evan could live his miserable life alone.


	2. But a white lie has never killed anyone, right?

**First Part:**

**Evan**

If there's one thing Evan knows about himself it's that the little things are always too big for him. Memories aren't temporary and their fears never go away the next morning.

Evan knows that lying's wrong, he knows that one lie leads to a new one and then another and another until you forget what you said at the beginning of your great farce and then everyone realizes that you are a dirty liar without a bit of dignity, and they realize that there's nothing real about you and that you can only go on because you are living a fantasy.

Yes, Evan is very aware of the lies, but Evan is also aware of his fear.

Evan searched the Internet for information on 'the separated', but found nothing to tell him how to avoid being taken to Area 51 to be studied as an alien. Evan shifted uncomfortably on his bed, setting the cell phone aside and stood up, pacing around the room.

"Oh no, oh no, what if they suddenly know I'm looking for this because I'm one and they come looking for me?" Evan freezes and runs to his bed to take his cell phone with his trembling hands this time more trembling. Quickly erase the history, close your Google account and turn off the phone. "That's not enough, they are hackers, Jesus Christ." Evan looks everywhere until he sees what he needs.

"Honey, it's time to go- what are you doing?" Heidi watches Evan about to throw the phone into a glass of water. He hides his left arm behind his back, hiding the drawing of the tree.

"Uh ... I, my- it's not, uh ..."

"Why are you going to get rid of your cell phone?"

"Eh? Science homework? Or not, not really as a s-science, uh it's the ... like an experiment with technology for the ... um"

"Do you know that I won't be able to buy a new one for you?" He says

Heidi calmly. Evan stumbles at his words for a moment trying to say something until he nods and whispers an apology. "Just find a better way to do your experiment, okay?"

"Uh, yeah, sorry."

"Okay, darling ..." She stays on the doorframe for a few more seconds until she completely enters Evan's room and kisses him on the forehead. "I left some money on the pizza table, but if you destroy your cell phone you will have to go to the pizza place for it."

Evan quickly raises his head in denial. "No, no, no, I won't, it's fine, as very f-functional and so with all that ... yeah?"

Heidi nods with a tired smile from the horrible shifts at work and gives her one last kiss before leaving. Evan holds his breath until he hears the front door close.

He looks at his cell phone sighing again until he decides that he's actually hungry enough and calls for pizza.

There was a knock on the door forty-five minutes later. Evan counted them second by second.

This was his first time receiving the pizza, Heidi usually took care of it, but his therapist told her that he needed to face some small advances. "Receiving a stranger at my front door with whom I have to talk and having the uncomfortable need to keep in touch is not a small advance" Evan felt that he was being thrown into the wolf's mouth, his face turned red and itchy on When he heard the bell ring and his stomach ached like he was going to vomit at any moment.

The doorbell rings again, Evan runs this time to open the door because he doesn't know how long he was thinking.

"Hello," Evan says in what sounds more like an embarrassing screech that makes him want to bury himself in the ground because he doesn't even know if he's supposed to say hello when there's someone at his door with a box of pizza.

"Hello," the delivery man replies and finally looks directly at him until they meet eyes and they both look away quickly. "Taking." The boy hands her the box very quickly and some force hitting Evan's arm.

"Ou- yes, thanks." Evan hands the money over with trembling hands and tries not to think about his sweaty hands. If he thinks about his sweaty hands then they will start to sweat and then they will probably sweat more than humanly possible and the boy would tell the people at the pizza place and he couldn't call there again and that would be horrible because the pizza from that place's the only one he likes.

The dealer takes the money more slowly and Evan can feel the touch of his fingers altering it too much. The boy turns around without saying anything else and walks to his motorcycle to quickly go where he arrived.

"WHAT THE FUCK DID I JUST SEE !?" Evan turns and sees Jared arriving with his hands in his pockets.

"W-what are you talking about?" he asks when Jared is in front of him. "Did I do it so badly? Why didn't you interrupt me? I didn't-

"What are you saying? Didn't you notice who the delivery man was?"

"Um ... r-really? I didn't see it too long, not long, and I don't know."

"Connor Murphy," he says. "I heard he sent you to the infirmary this morning because you hit him with your horrible noodle arms." Jared took Evan's arm and waved it.

"What? No, no, no. That wasn't what happened, he didn't, I didn't even know it was him until Zoe said it, but he d-didn't even push me we just collided, but it wasn't- he wasn't bad, It wasn't good either, but it didn't send me to the infirmary at all um, I had an ah ... panic attack? " Evan explained quickly.

"Zoe Murphy and Connor Murphy at the same time? Man, there isn't enough Evan's penis for two people." Jared took the pizza box from him and pushed him aside to enter with Evan following behind from behind explaining how his penis wasn't involved in anything between the two of them. "You know? That asshole was able to poison the pizza while coming this way. He probably doesn't even work there and just killed the delivery guy to poison your pizza."

"He definitely didn't do that ... did he?" Jared shrugged, but still took a slice of pizza and popped it into his mouth.

"No, it would have been easier to kill you on your own, you know." He raised his other hand and signaled to stab. "By the way, I noticed that shit on your arm."

"What?" He asked in a high-pitched squeal. "Um, yeah, it's my mark." He moved his arm and traced the drawing with trembling fingers.

"And who are you paired with? The fucking ranger?"

"No! Arthur is an adult and that would be t-totally illegal like almost anywhere in the world."

"When did he tell you his name? In the intensive sex session in a bush?" Jared laughed making his pizza fall onto his lap.

"Jared, please stop, this isn't funny, I- I don't want to joke about this ... please." Jared rolled his eyes and nodded.

Both were silent, Evan looked at the mark on Jared's arm with shame on himself. Even Jared had one, of course he didn't think Jared was horrible and didn't deserve it, but he wasn't the nicest about girls and it didn't seem fair to the other person, not that Evan said he was much better either But ... He didn't understand why he had to be alone.

"Have you found your soulmate yet?" he asks quietly, but thanks to the silence of the house Jared can hear him clearly.

"No," he mutters, looking at his pizza. "If I don't do it this month I can wait for next year, I'll just relax in single life while I can."

"Yes, that sounds good."

Evan collected his things after finishing his letter and sending it to print.

His mother saw his mark in the morning, kissed him on the head and told him how happy he was for him. "You will find someone very special for you and you will also be very special for that someone." Heidi had said with tears in his eyes, if only she knew that he would spend the rest of his life alone.

"Hello." Evan sneakily looks up because it would be embarrassing if they were talking to someone else and he is just the fool who thought they were talking to him. However he's surprised when there's a tall and thin boy standing in front of him. The boy looks nervous amidst his baggy black clothes and long hair covering the right half of his face.

"H-hi?" whispers

The boy moves by reloading the weight on his right leg and then returning to the left leg, never releasing the strap of his backpack. "Are you Evan Hansen?"

Evan felt a knot when he heard his name, yes it was his name that came from the lips of this boy, right?

"I think so- no, I mean, yes, I'm Evan, Evan Hansen, yes. What about you? Oh well, I mean what is your name, of course you aren't Evan Hansen. But I'm not saying no! there could be another Evan Hansen! It's as impossible that there's only one in the world, but yes as I'm o-one and ... you already know that, I was just asking what your name is because I don't know. Sorry. " He mentally beats himself for all that, this cute boy talks to him and he just ruins it with his shit.

"Connor Murphy." The boy extends his hand to him with a barely perceptible smile and a blush that must be caused by the heat, because suddenly it's very hot, and why has nobody opened the windows? But his smile (which is more like a tug on the lips) begins to fade when Evan does not shake hands with him and it's because he forgot and is ruining him, however he quickly gives his hand to shake it or just shake it, and what is it? supposed to do?

"Sorry, I don't do presentations very often ... people usually don't care about me and I'm not good at talking and- and you didn't need to know that and you're the pizza delivery of yesterday and I... um, I'm sorry."

"Don't apologize, it's okay, I don't know why I did it either." They both smiled. "Yes, I found this on the printer, I assumed it was yours because ... you're the only person here. So take it."

Evan was about to take it and thank Connor Murphy for the gesture, until he began to read his letter.

"Dear Evan Hansen, today is gonna be a good day and here's why: You got your mark, which is good because that means you're not that bad if you have one, although that doesn't mean you can find your soulmate anyway and that's fine. " Connor finished reading before Evan tried to take it out of his hands.

"Really, Connor? Can you leave him alone for at least a day?" Zoe's angry voice echoes throughout the computer room making the two boys turn to look at her right away.

"What the fuck are you talking about?" Connor turned away, changing his calm, friendly tone to a stronger, more frightening one that made Evan shiver instead. "You are crazy."

"Don't throw all your trash on people around you and say I'm crazy, you're the one who's hurting people."

Connor returns the letter to Evan without looking at him because he keeps his head down and walks out of the room with long, heavy strides pushing Zoe aside. Zoe also leaves without saying anything else.

Evan is left alone, again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just want to thank you for all your nice comments, I have never received so many, it made me very happy, I hope the chapter was worth it for whoever's reading.


	3. How low can you fall?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor and Evan's lies begin to tangle with each other.

**Second part:**

**Connor**

Connor knows that it's a disaster, there's nothing good about him and his existence.

Larry yelled at him that morning about the polish on his nails. "Not a big deal, you bloody decrepit old man." Connor wanted to tell him, however Zoe was waiting and his mother was making efforts enough to reassure Larry.

He finished his glass of milk and left without caring what Larry kept yelling from the kitchen.

The two got into the car, Connor put on the headphones and turned up the entire volume. He never spoke to Zoe in any way. They haven't had a good relationship for years.

The road was fast, but he could feel the tense atmosphere that always surrounded the pair of brothers.

Connor glances at his sister's arm on the steering wheel of the car and notices a mark drawing on his wrist.

It's a snowflake. How ironic, Zoe hates winter.

When they get to the school parking lot, Connor gets out of the car and doesn't stop for anything. He didn't really plan to go to school today. He already knew the routine, everyone would be a big annoying shit talking about his marks and if some were lucky they would be attending the same school as his soulmate and for his homosexual torture he would have heterosexual couples eating each other in front of him.

Connor wasn't interested in marks. He didn't have one, which was a relief because a homosexual partner with marks had never been found, he knew, he investigated when he was thirteen.

He wasn't interested in living with a woman, he wasn't attracted to her. Either way the marks didn't ensure happiness, the proof was Larry and his mother. All they did was argue about whatever shit anyone put on the table.

Connor is so deep in his thoughts that he doesn't see the boy who walks in his direction until they collide and both fall to the ground.

Connor is ready to scream at the stupid student who decided to get in his way, but finds no one but Evan Hansen.

And shit, shit, shit.

He just knocked Evan Hansen down, the cute boy with the cast.

His face is painted red and he is hot. He can't help but feel embarrassed because this is not the type of interaction he was expecting to have with Evan. So he does what he knows best and just runs away.

Quick steps with his long legs take him off the scene under the eyes of all those assholes and he's so embarrassed because if there was even a slight chance of getting close to Evan, now he doesn't exist at all.

He disappears the rest of the day, he just goes for a walk and takes out a cigarette to relax.

The day at the pizzeria begins good. At least 'good' in what defines a working day.

Connor doesn't like pizza, but the salary is good and allows him to be away from home without his mother asking questions and can go to his room before dinner so as not to put up with Larry on the pretext that he's tired and that he needs a shower to get rid of the smell of pizza sauce.

"Connor, take this delivery, please." Anna asks giving him the address and the pizza box.

"Why do you keep giving me the address? I always go here."

"If you turned the paper over you would notice my written phone number." The girl smiles at him, playing with her hair. "It seems you didn't even know it was there."

Connor takes the box and leaves without saying anything. Put the box in the motorcycle suitcase and get on the bike to start after putting on the helmet.

He knew this street quite well. He brought orders to the same house four or three times a week for the same woman.

He gets off the motorcycle and take the order out of the suitcase. He takes off his helmet and walks to the door.

Connor waits a few minutes before the door opens and this must be a fucking sick joke. This time there is no blonde woman opening the door, instead Evan Hansen and his pretty face are what greets him.

"Hello." The boy mutters in a screech that kills Connor inside.

"Hello," says Connor looking him in the eye before feeling guilty and embarrassed and looking away completely. "Take it" Connor pushes the box into Evan's hands with more force than he expected and hears a faint sound of pain from the boy in the cast. Of course Connor would even hurt him.

"Yes thanks." Evan hands him the money with a quick movement and almost as abrupt as Connor's. He looks at his hand, on the wrist he has a mark. Of course the boy he has been in love with for the past three years had a soul mate, someone totally special and good to Evan.

However, Connor wants to touch Evan's arm and apologize for his abrupt act, and is debating it in his mind as "just take this cute boy's hand and apologize, it's not that difficult, stop making him so uncomfortable hard."

But Connor is a coward about everything and runs away from Evan Hansen again. Because he's a little sad and upset with all that soul mate shit. So he just turns around and walks to his motorcycle to disappear.

Evan had a nice mark. A little strange and curious, but cute. A tree, he had no idea what kind of tree, but it was pretty. It probably meant something very cheesy like Evan would take his first step with that person under a tree.

Connor shouldn't be torturing himself with this idea, but he can't get the image of that tree out of his mind and in Evan's hand.

Also, the world didn't want to tell him that he has no chance with Evan Hansen, and that he should accept a date with Anna.

He was dead from sleep. Dead in many ways in general, but today he was especially dead from sleep.

Of course he stayed up all night thinking about Evan, should he just let him go? Was it selfish of him to fall in love with a person who already had someone waiting for him? Did all this matter so much? Could he approaches Evan a differently way?

This was all bullshit, the marks, fate or whatever trash it was, love, everything about him was horrible.

Today he decides to go to the infirmary, maybe make up that he had a headache and that he needed to rest, he would sleep in the infirmary and Larry wouldn't yell at him for not going to school, because technically he was there. But he is walking and sees Evan in the computer room and Connor takes a deep breath.

He feels worse than ever and decides to do the dumbest thing in the world and puts all his hope in someone who doesn't even know him, still begs fate, if he has been making plays, to be in his favor.

"Hello," he greets as he enters the computer room. He stands in front of Evan behind the monitor of one of the computers and he's fucking nervous because it's the first time he's been talking to him without any particular pretext and he's planning to do it right.

"H-hello?" Whisper.

Connor shifts uncomfortably, shifts the weight on his legs, and plays with the strap of his backpack, squeezing it tight. "Are you Evan Hansen?" He asks and it's the stupidest question because of course it dares that he is Evan Hansen.

"I think so- no, I mean, yes, I'm Evan, Evan Hansen, yes. What about you? Oh well, I mean what is your name, of course you aren't Evan Hansen. But I'm not saying no! there could be another Evan Hansen! It's as impossible that there's only one in the world, but yes as I'm o-one and ... you already know that, I was just asking what your name is because I don't know. Sorry... " Connor wants to cry, he's too cute.

"Connor Murphy," Connor replies with a nervous smile extending his hand, but immediately regrets when Evan looks at him debating whether it's okay to touch Connor. So he starts to lower his hand, but Evan shakes it tight.

"Sorry, I don't do presentations very often ... people usually don't care about me and I'm not good at talking and- and you didn't need to know that and you're the pizza delivery of yesterday and I... um, I'm sorry."

Evan knew it was him, Connor didn't know if he should be happy about it, he was an idiot and he hurt him. He still hasn't apologized for crashing into him and then hurting his already injured arm.

"Don't apologize, it's okay, I don't know why I did it either." They both smiled. "Yes, I found this on the printer, I assumed it was yours because ..." _because I definitely knew your name is Evan Hansen and I just pretended because it would be strange,_ "you're the only person here. So take it."

He's about to deliver the letter to Evan when he sees the phrase: "Dear Evan Hansen"

Connor's curious by nature, actually, most of his problems were due to his curiosity.

He was curious about how smoking would feel so he did. He wondered what it would be like to have long hair, so he let it grow, many called him the next school shooter, and he yelled at many of them, so he ended up heading many times. He saw Michael's nails painted, so he did the same, his father called him "fag", but ultimately that was what Connor was.

So yes, he read the boy's letter. And he didn't think he was going to find his soul mate. He believed he was not good enough to have someone by his side.

That destroyed Connor a little. What do you do when the most beautiful person for you doesn't see how beautiful he is?

Connor hands him the letter, he's about to give him a speech about how beautiful he really is and how he's totally worth it. It doesn't matter if Evan thinks it's a weirdo, Connor is probably dead before the end of the week.

"Really, Connor? Can you leave him alone for at least a day?" Zoe appears at the door of the computer room and is angry.

"What the fuck are you talking about?" Connor turns to look at her annoyed. His voice comes out furious, he sees Evan back away, even Zoe does, but he remains firm. "You are crazy."

"Don't throw all your trash at the people around you and say I'm crazy, you're the one who's hurting people."

Connor needs to get out of here before he loses control and ends up doing something he may later regret. He tries to relax, makes the best face for Evan and returns the letter to him before leaving there pushing Zoe in his path.

He clenches his jaw tight, wants to cry because Zoe's words hurt him, and he knows that his words hurt Zoe even though she doesn't show it.

No matter what he does it always ends up hurting someone else.

Connor's high. He forgets his job, he just got into the shower and now he's fucking high. He doesn't worry about looking for a place to sneak, he's simply in his room looking at his sketchbook.

He has had no ideas in months, has not touched his drawing material in a long time.

Connor keeps thinking about Evan's tree and instinctively draws it in his sketchbook.

And then he draws it on his arm before falling asleep.

The next morning he feels that he needs to apologize to Evan, it's his last wish before killing himself with pills or whatever he finds.

He could still get in front of a car.

It's the first hour, most of the students are in their lockers. Connor forgot where his was, never used it.

It doesn't take him long to find Evan, the only boy in the entire school wearing khaki pants isn't exactly invisible to him.

He's with that Kleinman type that Connor has already argued with for his horrible decision to say all the nonsense that crosses his mind. However that does not stop him from getting closer to him.

Connor comes to his side. Jared's about to say some shit, but Connor puts his hand on his face.

"I just wanted to apologize for yesterday, and before to yesterday, and-

"Jesus fucking shit! Look at this, Evan." Jared pulls Connor's arm up to Evan's face and his face turns so red that Connor worries he'll explode at any second.

Connor has no idea what's so amazing about his arm, but he knows what's up above so he pulls his arm away from the sight of the two boys in shame.

"You two are soulmates," says Jared.

"What the fuck are you talking about, Kleinman?" Jared points to Connor's arm and oh ... he didn't remember putting that there.

"I told you Evan, you would find someone as crazy as you are." Evan opens his eyes as wide as possible and Connor sees how nervous he is suddenly. He has to explain that this is a mistake, that he probably painted that while highed and didn't remember it. But then Jared keeps talking. "I don't know why you were so concerned about staying alone all your life. Here's your man."

Jared is making fun of Evan. Evan is quiet and that's not something Connor has seen many times in Evan, he's not the quiet type.

"I'm leaving so they can tangle up their penises."

Maybe Evan was as lonely as him. Now that he thought about it, he had never seen him with anyone but Jared Kleinman, and he usually left with another group of guys away from Evan.

"Sorry, sorry, sorry I ... no- you don't, it's ... I don't know, I'm sorry to be this uh, maybe it's a mistake uhm ... yes, it must be a mistake I'm s-sorry, I didn't mean be this and yes. "

"The marks are not wrong" Connor whispers. Evan looks at him puzzled. Maybe hopeful or terrified.

How low can you drop Connor Murphy?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry if this is bad, I've been a little sad 'cause I went wrong on one of my exams. But writing helps me relax so if you are reading this I'm sorry you pay for the broken dishes.
> 
> And thanks for being here!


	4. Gonna take some time to do the things we never had

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "They cannot be soulmates." Zoe says with a frown.
> 
> "They are, they even have matching penises." Connor casts an annoyed glance at the two people who came to interrupt his lunch with Evan.
> 
> "Do you have a problem, Zoe?" Connor confronts her by pushing Jared aside.

**Evan**

Evan had been in trouble.

This wasn't a problem like that time in third grade when he forgot his lines in the school play and then everyone was left waiting for his one line. It was nothing more than giving the princess entrance so she could enter the final scene, and yet the stupid Evan Hansen forgot his line.

The children teased him until they found a new distraction.

However, now he had gotten himself into a new problem. A huge one he didn't know how to get rid of.

How would he explain to Connor that his mark wasn't real? How would he tell him that he did it so they wouldn't study him like an alien in all those movies? Connor would be furious, he would probably hit him and tell everyone about how he was part of 'the separated' and then they would take him away from his mother and everything would be horrible and he would die sad and alone and-

"Evan?" Connor calls to him by touching his shoulder and Evan trembles at the touch. "You're good?"

No, he's not.

He just starts crying and Connor walks away as if touching Evan burns him.

"If it bothers you that I'm your soulmate, I can go." Connor says it loudly, as if this bothers him more than it makes him happy. Evan would say that Connor almost sounds sad. But that's impossible, isn't it? "Because I know that I am not a good person and that nobody in their right mind would want to be with me, and it is good because it is not like this is real and we were not going to be together, I don't know why I thought that you would love me."

Connor's upset and suddenly there are glances over them and they see Evan cry so he hears everyone talking in a low voice and there are phrases like "Connor is hitting him" and "Just because he's weird Murphy doesn't have to bother him." Everything becomes a great burden for Evan. His hands start to sweat and his face is red from the pressure, but he just takes Connor's hand and pulls him away from this whole crowd.

At first Connor resists, however he cannot use much force in his attempt to flee and Evan can take him to the children's bathroom where there is no one in sight.

"Sorry." The two say at the same time after a minute of silence in which all the space filled with Evan's hiccups. Connor frowns.

"Why are you apologizing? I was the one who made a scene." Evan begins to bite the tips of his fingers and he denies making some gestures that he knows make him look even more pathetic. Wipe away the tears that remain on his face.

"I didn't want to make you believe that I didn't like you to be my ... s-soul mate, I think you're totally worth it and I have no problem with that, in fact it makes me happy, if you don't mind that I do, I mean, because, because if it bothers you then I'll understand, there are a lot of p-people out there and it's not like that- uh maybe it's a mistake because there have never been gay couples with marks and it's not like we're gay, "he laughs nervously. "I'm not saying you're gay, not that I have a problem with it, I'm bi ..." Evan blushes at how sharp his voice sounds right now and how much he's hesitating. "I mean, I- I think so, I don't know ..."

Connor looks at him puzzled, doesn't say anything for a fraction of a second, which Evan doesn't appreciate because this is endless torture for him and he can feel his cell phone vibrate in his pocket because he's only fifteen minutes before his next class, and he can't be late because then all the places will be occupied and he will look like a fool looking among the benches for a place to sit and everyone will be watching and muttering, so what would he say? What if he trips and falls?

"I'm gay," says Connor.

"Oh." Evan says. Connor looks at him. "I m-mean that's fine with me! It's not that I should care or wait for my approval or- or something, but uh, it's great, since I don't judge you, that's fine, like so cool! Ugh...and so uhm, the boys too they are cute, although generally I don't look at anyone around here and I don't go out much, but ... are you laughing? "

"No, I don't." Connor changes into a sweet smile that brings colors back to his face and his heart speeds up. "You're cute."

"What?" Evan thinks, Connor must be joking, he's the least cute thing in the world. He wasn't tall and his hair was horrible, and he wasn't exactly very thin. His nose could be the worst part if it weren't for his horrible voice and anxiety.

"I'm not cute," he says.

Connor plays with his legs, his hands are tucked into the pockets of his jeans. "You are, very much. I doubt that just for me, but I ... I think you are."

Evan says nothing, just shakes his head low. He's about to speak when a group of boys enters the bathroom and they both remain silent, just watching these boys play with the water from the sink. One of them uses the bathroom and then they take all their noise with them until they leave Connor and Evan silent.

"So are we soulmates?" Evan asks. And he knows he's wrong, but Connor doesn't seem to have a problem with him being a boy, and how likely is Evan to find someone more willing to spend the rest of his life with him?

"If that's okay with you."

"That's good, like super good, yes!" Evan realizes that his voice sounded too excited. "Ugh, I'm sorry, I mean, if you're fine I'm fine."

"All right." Connor mutters.

Evan stirs uncomfortably instead. He doesn't want to go to class now. Probably centuries have passed and if he enters now the teacher will be bothered by an intrusion into his class. The last time everyone looked at him and then he had a panic attack.

"Do you wanna leave school?" Connor asks, pulling Evan out of his thoughts.

"Drop out of school? Isn't that illegal?"

"It's punishable, but I doubt it's illegal." Evan bites his bottom lip.

"Have you ever been caught?"

Connor shrugs. "They think I'm a lost cause, they don't even care anymore, just Larry's jerk. My mom worries though, but she's my mother and I guess that's what they do."

Evan's mentally debating whether it's okay to leave. Teachers usually don't remember his name, and neither do his classmates, so no one would give him away. But his mother might find out and believe that he's leaving her as his father. However, she is so busy that she may not even notice.

"Evan?"

"Yes, yes, I want to go, if that's okay with you."

"If I invited you, it was because I'm totally fine with it."

"Oh yes, uh, sorry."

Connor smiles at him and walks to the bathroom door to get out. Evan follows him and is surprised when Connor stops the door for him to pass first, Connor is not looking at him, Evan rushes because he does not want to disturb him.

They walk together towards the exit, there is no one around to take care of themselves. Connor's legs are long, so Evan has a hard time keeping up with him, he notices and slows down to keep up with Evan. 

Their hands brush against each other in a second and Evan blushes.

Neither says anything.

Things are no less awkward in Connor's car. They are not going anywhere yet. They discard a restaurant because Evan hates eating in public and Connor hates the general public. The mall isn't interesting and the parks are full of people exercising at this time.

They're sitting in the seats of Connor's car doing nothing. Evan plays with the sleeves of his sweater and Connor waits silently.

They don't make a single move and Evan begins to hesitate.

He knows it was all a bad idea today, things haven't turned out well and Connor doesn't seem like the bad guy everyone is talking about. He has not once told him stupid how Jared would do despite being friends, or more like family friends.

"Maybe if he says it very nicely, Connor doesn't get mad about the lie." His train of thought arrives. _Maybe, and just maybe if you say it very kindly._

"Do you want to go to my house? At this time there is nobody." Evan blushes before Connor realizes what his words imply. "I didn't mean that, I swear, just, you said you didn't want a place with people and my house is alone, but it doesn't imply anything that 'my parents are not at home' implies, I swear it."

Evan nods after a few seconds. "Uhm, yeah, that's fine."

"Fine." Connor nods, starting the car to get out of the school parking lot. He turns on the car radio to make the road less uncomfortable, but all that comes out of the radio station is a story about soul mates and the stupid dance at the fair.

A dance for those who have their soulmate at their side. It was something annual that came along with the fair. It only opened on June 1st because by then the marks had disappeared. Those who didn't have their soulmate yet simply went to games or invited someone else.

Evan had never been. It made his mother a bit of a pain to go there and know that her soulmate had abandoned her, so he never insisted. He didn't even go to the fair, he didn't like crowded places, and a fair wasn't exactly the loneliest place to hang out. However, he spent the whole week watching the lights and games through his window.

"I can't believe Zoe took my David Bowie record out of here." Connor mutters, closing the glove compartment of the car.

How did he forget? Why didn't his brain say anything to him? Connor Murphy was Zoe Murphy's brother, he didn't even connect him. The impact of this whole situation drained his brain. If Connor found out about his vague feelings for Zoe then everything would collapse.

If his dirty lie wasn't enough of a reason for Connor to give him away, that he had felt something for his sister and that the little feeling was still a bit present in him they would definitely make Connor Murphy beat him up and hand him over if he didn't kill him sooner. Evan begins to feel short of breath, his body begins to itch, first his back and then his neck to his arms. Her stomach churns and her body begins to tremble.

He'll do it again and Connor will hate him.

"What's it, Evan?" Connor looks at him askance.

Evan doesn't respond, is unable to say anything.

He wants to vomit.

He needs to get out of here.

The air runs out.

His body burns.

Connor stops the car and gets out.

Evan has his hands on his mouth. Tears fall down her cheeks like huge leaks. Connor opens the car door looking concerned, leans over to him and pulls him out of the car. He sits him on the sidewalk and returns to the car.

 _"Of course I would ruin everything."_ He says to himself before seeing Connor return with an anti-stress ball.

"Take it in your hands, Ev." Evan follows the instructions and squeezes the ball between his hands. "Now slow it down and breathe to the rhythm of the pressure you put on the ball."

Connor runs a hand through his hair as he tries to do as he's told. So inhale when he squeezes the ball and exhale when he minimizes the pressure. Connor stays by his side stroking his back at all times.

Evan feels more relaxed, breathes normally and has stopped crying.

"Best?" Evan nods at Connor's question. "Fine. Do you wanna go up and back or ...?"

"I'm so sorry Connor." Evan says between sobs. Makes a sniffling sound. "I didn't mean to bother you, but-

"Evan, don't apologize for having a panic attack." Connor puts a hand on his shoulder very close to his neck and strokes it with his thumb. "I know how it is, sometimes it happens to me. And I don't want you to feel like you should apologize."

"T-thank you."

Connor gives him his hand to stand up. He takes it and for the first time doesn't think about whether his hand is sweaty.

The Murphys' house is large and luxurious. Everything outside of what Evan is used to or even what he has seen outside of television. They have a huge garden with flowers of all kinds and Evan can't help but look around in amazement.

"Your house is incredible, Connor." He says amazed.

"It's just the garden," he huffed. "It's actually pretty ugly inside."

Ten minutes later they are in Connor's room. And he definitely lied. His house was much better inside, it looked like one of those magazine houses. Although unlike what Evan believed, the walls are empty. There is no band poster, no personal photos. The room is messy, but not dirty, although it's very dark.

As if Connor were reading his thoughts, he goes to the window and opens the curtain.

"Do you want to eat something?" The two of them are standing in the room and Evan feels out of place. As if he broke all the dark aesthetics of the room with his horrible blue shirt. Contrary to Connor who seems to fit in here.

Everything around him looks harmonious. Evan assumes it is because this is Connor's place, this is where he lives and sleeps.

"Uhm, I'm fine, thanks."

"Okay, but if you want something just say it." Connor sits on the edge of the bed and pats the spot next to him for Evan. He moves forward carefully.

He hates the sound of the wooden floor against the sole of his tennis shoes.

"I don't know what you're supposed to do with someone in your house." Connor confesses. There is no special tone in his voice so Evan doesn't know if he's joking.

"Jared and I play video games sometimes, we usually only talk in his room."

"Are you two friends?"

Evan shakes his head. "Not really. More like family friends? He calls it that, so we're not really f-friends."

"I don't like him too much." Evan takes a deep breath and scratches his head.

"Jared is ... the closest thing I have to a friend even if we are not really friends."

Connor nods in his place and growls. "I can be your friend. Not like that shit from family friends, more like normal friends who aren't jerks with each other."

"That's kind of you, Connor, uh, thanks."

He returns another smile in response. It is not a smile of pity like the other people dedicate to him when they see how miserable, sad and alone he is. It's a genuine and real smile that Evan appreciates because he never imagined receiving one like that.

Time flies by faster than it ever did. Connor made pancakes and ate them in the living room while watching the cartoons on television. They talked about simple things like paranormal anecdotes because Connor turned out to be a big fan of ghosts and Evan talked about his favorite trees. He made a special mention of the blushing winter oak.

They talked about everything Evan imagined he would talk to a real friend. Simple and boring things that got interesting with Connor's light jokes or Evan's curiosity.

And everything was fine until Evan's phone vibrated in his pocket again for a message.

_**Mom:** _

_**I will go to school for you, today I got a day off !!! : D** _

He felt his stomach churn, and not because of the pancakes Connor insisted on putting all the sweetness they found in the kitchen.

"Something wrong?" Evan denied and then quickly nodded.

"My mom will go to school for me."

"Oh. Well, I guess we should go. I must go through Zoe. If she finds out I drove the car, she's going to kill me." Connor takes his keys and they leave the house.

The path is silent and Evan is tense. He had never skipped classes, he had never been punished for things like this. His mother didn't even know how to punish him, it was never necessary and yet today might be the first time.

Would she removes his the cell phone? She was the only person calling him. Wouldn't she let it out? He never went out. Although she could force him to go to a mall and leave him downtown where everyone could see him hyperventilate.

"Would you give me your number? If that's not a problem." Connor is not looking at him when he asks. He has his sights on an unfamiliar point in front of him as he grips the steering wheel hard. Of course he doesn't notice Evan's strange face, because this cute boy is asking for his number and that means he wants to talk to him, right?

"Yes." Respond in a high-pitched voice. "I mean, it's not a problem, I'd like to talk to you later. Not that it m-means you want to talk later, er- only if you ask for it or something. But it's not a problem."

Connor nods, biting his lip, handing him his cell phone so that he can write his contact and he doubts the name. Should Evan Hansen be put in or was Evan alone enough?

He decides that Evan Hansen is more formal, but Connor told him that they could be friends and the friends didn't keep contact with surnames and everything. But Jared called him "Masturbasen" and that wasn't the kind of thing Connor would want on his cell phone.

He writes 'Evan H.' and returns the cell phone to him.

"I'll send you a message so you have my number in case you need to speak." Connor looks at the screen of his cell phone before looking at him and- God, the sun rays on his face make him look beautiful. His dark hair looks shiny and Evan wants to run his fingers through it.

Evan's cell phone vibrates again. Is his mother.

"My mom is here," he murmurs before opening the door and leaving. Connor stops him by taking his hand.

"Thanks Evan."

"Oh- uh, thanks to you, I had a lot of fun with you today." He swears he sees Connor blush, but it must be just ideas.

He says goodbye before closing the car door and finding Heidi's.

"Who was that boy?"

"Uhm, Connor, Connor Murphy."

"Oh very well." She looks excited. He tries to hide the smile that he sees appearing on his face.

"He's my soulmate," he says halfway. Heidi cries before holding hiw hand tightly.

"I'm so happy for you, honey."

Evan doesn't smile.

_"Dear Evan Hansen._

_You are getting into something deep. And you'll ruin everything._

_But today was the happiest day of your life. And you know you don't deserve it because why should you deserve something good? You just keep lying to the world and you keep lying to yourself._

_Sincerely, your best and dearest friend._

_Me."_

**Connor**

All he wanted was to take Evan's cheeks and kiss him. Everything about this guy was amazing and genuine.

Connor didn't know many people, but he was sure that even if he knew the entire city he wouldn't find another equal to Evan Hansen.

But the lie continued. He had to trace the tree again that morning with Sharpie on his arm carefully enough to make it look exactly the same as the day before.

When he went downstairs he didn't mention anything to his parents, he didn't want to have to explain anything to either of them. Especially Larry's jerk, although part of him wanted to just by looking at his face when he found out his soul mate was a boy.

However, he would not do that to Evan.

He wouldn't use him that way.

For the first time he had a good week in years. He attended his classes and found out that he did indeed have a class with Evan, they sat together and Connor lost count of how many times he wanted to take Evan's hands and leave school to go for a walk. But he just stayed in his place and watched Evan listen intently to the class and take notes on everything.

He was waiting for him after school and they walked together to Evan's house. There were days when Connor stayed at Evan's house before going to work.

They ate together at lunch in the cafeteria under the watchful eyes of people and especially Zoe.

"Have you never seen 'Labyrinth'?" Evan's head moves from left to right in denial as he sips his juice. Connor almost drowned. "That's like a sin, you know that?"

"It's hard for me to sit around watching a movie." Evan justifies himself by dodging the potato that Connor throws at him.

"But you love cartoons!" Connor exclaims eating a potato chip.

"They last ten minutes, I can be sitting ten minutes witouth distract me!" Connor nods.

"Yeah," he says before shoving another potato chip into his mouth and tucking his hair behind his ear. "Have you at least seen 'The Lorax'?"

"No." Connor opens his eyes and raises his eyebrows as much as possible.

"What do you mean you haven't seen 'The Lorax'? You," points it up and down. "You are the Lorax." Evan blushes when Connor laughs. "Damn, we have to see it, I'm sure you're going to love it."

"Why?" Evan smiles, infected by Connor's emotion.

"You will, you'll see. I won't say anything else." Connor makes a movement like he's closing a latch in his mouth and throws the key away.

"Right," Evan nods, smiling and continuing his fries.

"What are you two doing together?" Zoe comes to their side and asks pointing an accusing finger at each one.

"They are soul mates." A second voice appears just behind Zoe. It's Jared Kleinman with a little box of strawberry milk and his mocking expression. Zoe's face masterfully deforms towards the two of them, but especially towards Connor.

"They cannot be soulmates." Zoe says with a frown.

"They are, they even have matching penises." Connor casts an annoyed glance at the two people who came to interrupt his lunch with Evan.

"Do you have a problem, Zoe?" Connor confronts her by pushing Jared aside. She doesn't back down and examines his face by looking at every part of his face. "Does it bother you that I have someone by my side?"

"Why don't you come home for dinner this afternoon, Evan?" She asks without taking her eyes off Connor. Connor knows what she's doing, so he doesn't let his guard down, Zoe's gaze is so penetrating that he feels like she can read his thoughts.

"Uhm, I- I don't think that's a good idea. And Connor probably doesn't want that, er, it would ruin e-everything and-"

"It's okay if you come, Ev." Connor continues Zoe's game under the fight of glances. He knows Evan must be blushing right now.

"Uhm ... I don't want to bother you."

"You won't at all." Zoe nods, there's no special tone in her voice.

"Shit, Evan, things are getting hot around here." Jared puts a hand on Evan's shoulder and steals a potato chip. "I'm leaving before they start hitting each other, as much as I want to see that."

Connor and Zoe put aside their stare match and she decides that she will simply have Connor send Evan a message with all the details. Connor glares at her until she is gone.

"If you don't want to go you don't have to, she was just bothering."

"Why does she do this?"

Connor rolls his eyes and twists his lips into a grimace. "She always said that I would never have a mark to find my soul mate." Evan nodded sadly and toyed with the hem of his shirt.

Evan speaks after a while.

"Is it okay if I want to go out to d-dinner with your family?" The taller boy looked at him in amazement and nodded slightly.

"If you want to go, I'll be happy to have you there."

"Then let's do it."

Connor nodded taking Evan's hand, lightly massaging his knuckles. They continued that way for the rest of the lunch despite how red their faces were.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is not just an alternate universe where Connor and Evan are together and there are soul mate marks. Now it's also an Alternate Universe where they can go outside.
> 
> Thanks for read!


	5. We're problems that want to be solved, but we're also boys who need to be loved.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan visits the Murphy house for dinner and Zoe discovers the truth.
> 
> (18:56 p.m)  
> Do you think I should wear a tie? Would that be very strange? They probably won't open the door for me if I'm wearing an ugly sweater.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I haven't updated since May, which I'm sorry, but I had a meltdown on this story, when I read it I didn't like it at all. I came to the conclusion that I'm not a good writer, but I really enjoy doing it, so I'm sorry to cause a dislike for my story if someone reads it, but I really want to finish it.

**CONNOR**

Connor is running around making pizza delivery before finishing his shift for the day.

He's been down Evan's street at least twice now, and he couldn't ignore the idea of getting off his motorcycle to greet Mrs. Hansen and Evan for at least five minutes and then finish his deliveries.

It was only two days after Zoe's confrontation in the cafeteria and they agreed during an argument at the family dinner that Evan would go to the Murphys for dinner next Saturday afternoon, just before Larry left for the airport for a business trip in Los Angeles.

Connor agreed about ten percent with that because he didn't want Larry around Evan doing passive-aggressive interrogation, but maybe when Larry saw how calm Evan was compared to him, he would stop insisting on introducing him to a 'cute girl', And even though he would rather bring Evan on Sunday, when Larry was no longer in town and Zoe had her stupid jazz recital at the town theater, that wasn't a good idea either because that way it would just be Cinthya, Evan, and him...

And yes, his mother was also someone he wanted away from Evan for all the questions, but she was the only family he had left and he wanted to show her that he was okay, and that she had nothing to worry about, at least Connor would not return. to try to kill himself.

  
Connor finished his shift two hours later.

  
He came home with the desire to remove his heavy black boots and went up to his room where he lay on the unmade bed. He slipped his cell phone out of his back pocket and saw the messages Evan sent him on his break.

> **(18:56 p.m)**   
>  _Do you think I should wear a tie? Would that be very strange? They probably won't open the door for me if I'm wearing an ugly sweater._

Connor smirked and rolled his eyes. Of course his parents were special... people, he would lie himself if he ever said no, but from Cynthia and Larry's reaction when Zoe told them that a friend of him would come to eat at the house, they expected someone like Connor.

A guy who's troubled with serious addiction problems and direct encounters with the law.

He was very sure that Evan was the complete opposite of what they expected and a bad tie or a bad suit wouldn't deduct points.

Connor would never say this on his own to Evan, because he knows this isn't about Evan, but about him. But no one had expectations of Connor, and that was something he could sometimes use to his advantage. Maybe if Evan was a boy who came for Zoe an ugly tie would be a problem.

But it's about Connor, and when it comes to him, there are no expectations.

> **(19:15 p.m)**   
>  **you can come in your pajamas if you want, Evan, you'll look good in anything for them.**
> 
> **(19:19 p.m)**   
>  _I found my old suit. Are you sure it's okay if I go? I don't want to be a nuisance to your whole family._
> 
> **(19:20 p.m)**   
>  **yeah, it's okay, Evan. and anyway, if that bothers them, we aren't going to pass up the opportunity.**

**CYNTHIA**

"Hi, honey." Cinthya pokes her head into a small space between the frame and the door. Connor frowns when he turns to look at her. "I heard you arrive, but you didn't say hello."

"Is Larry in the kitchen?"

"Uh, yeah, yes."

"Then I didn't want to say hello to anybody."

Cinthya twists her red lips into a grimace and ends up entering the room.

It doesn't take long for her to realize the darkness that floods every corner of the place, as if Connor doesn't want a single ray of sunlight to enter his room to disturb him.

"We're looking forward to meeting your friend, and I just wanted to ask you what would you two like to eat."

"I'll ask Evan tomorrow." Connor gives a quick and easy answer, it seems to her that he wants to get her out of his space as soon as possible.

"Oh... okay, just let me know to put things on the shopping list." Connor doesn't respond, instead he continues staring at the screen of his cell phone, the smile on her face falls. The woman decides it's her time to get out of there, so she walks out the door.

"Cinthya." He stops her, she turns quickly, although Connor's avoiding her gaze. "Evan is my soul mate ... or whatever."

That takes her by surprise, yet she doesn't know what to say. What are the correct words for someone like Connor? She knew Connor was gay since the seventh grade when he got into a fight with a boy who called him "a fucking fag" because according to that boy, Connor had perverted feelings for him.

Her little son, who had been nothing more than a quiet and reserved boy lately, had hit that boy.

A black eye and a broken lip were left as proof of how much that made her baby angry. On his side, Connor got a bruised fist.

After that, his boy fell apart.

Ratings fell more than they had in recent weeks. The piano lessons went to the trash, there was no more art in the house, the games in the tree house with Zoe were over, and she and her husband were no longer "mom and dad" to Connor.

"That's fine, sweetie." Cinthya got out and closed the door.

The heart in her chest was pounding so hard that she felt like she was about to go into cardiac arrest at any moment.

These things are never said by a mother, at least not out loud. It's not a topic of discussion at a Thursday night family dinner, but the thought of Connor with someone else always seemed like a distant idea. Homosexual couples occur very rarely and are almost non-existent, especially in a place like where they lived.

Connor was a difficult boy, of course he had progressed too much the last few months after that accident last summer because she had insisted on taking him to therapy, but it took him months to convince Larry and it wasn't until she threatened divorce that her husband finally accepted.

"Looks like you saw a damned ghost."

"Yes- no, it's just ..." Cinthya pointed back. "Your brother told me that this guy coming to dinner is his ... soul mate." Zoe giggles.

"Ignore him, it's probably a trick or whatever, Connor is probably lying about all this." Cinthya grabs her wrist by the hand and stops her way.

"Why do you think of your brother that way?" The look of the two women is enraged.

"Why? Because it's Connor, do you really hope that even if this were real someone like Evan could handle it?"

"What do you mean, Zoe?"

"Wait till you meet him, Connor probably threatened to lie for him or whatever, I saw him push Evan to the ground, but have no doubt their thing isn't going to last long anyway." Zoe pulls her arm out of her mother's grasp, but she's firm and won't let it go so easy.

"Don't talk about Connor like that, you know he's improved since ..." Cinthya takes a deep breath to fill the void in her lungs. "Just ... don't talk about your brother like that."

"You alredy said that."

"Zoe-"

"Listen, mom, maybe you want to see good things in him because you are his mother, but I'm not, I know him and I know that he is a monster."

Cinthya lets go of her daughter's arm and walks up the stairs again, this time she locks herself in her own room and doesn't go out that night for dinner.

She hadn't seen a soulmate mark on Connor's arm in no time.

And Cinthya wanted to believe in her son. They never pressured him about the soulmate brand, there was no reason to lie.

Still, she still had to meet the boy her son was destined for to render a final verdict.

**EVAN**

Evan's standing in front of the door with his fist raised to knock on the door to kick off this dinner he has been preparing for all week. He carries a nice bouquet of lilies in his hand with the plaster and wears his best vest with blue diamonds and gray pants that made him look like a grandpa. And why he didn't think that it was a problem?

Was the bowtie too much? Did his shoes look as old as it really were? What if Connor didn't like the way he looked? What if Connor's family laughed at him and didn't allow him to see him again? That would be a great outlet for all his lying, but ... he liked Connor, he had never felt so comfortable around someone in such a short time, Evan didn't want to ruin him, but he was Evan Hansen after all, and he and disaster they were synonymous.

The boy strokes spittle down his throat and rushes to ring the bell with the tips of his hot, sweaty fingers. He winces disgust at that, before seeing Connor with his hair wet and quite shaken as if he had run to the door.

He's flushed and drops are falling down the long strands of his hair. Evan blushes too and extends the bouquet of flowers towards Connor on a silly impulse.

"It's for me?" Connor asks quietly.

"Not." Evan responds sharply by twisting Connor's shy expression into a more disappointed one. "I-I mean, they're for your mom- not because I'm trying to woo your mom or wh-whatever, but I thought it would be nice to do it for dinner and stuff, like- you know for having...me."

Connor pulls Evan towards him and shoves him inside the house. There's a delicious aroma of cinnamon that fills the room. However, that's a detail that remains in the background when it seems that Connor is about to kiss him and Evan... he just isn't prepared for this.

Mainly because this is a place with parents and it's not that Evan plans to do anything else anyone, especially Connor's parents should see, of course not, but it's embarrassing and also because he doesn't know how to kiss or how to kiss and not die instantly.

But Connor doesn't kiss him, at least not on the lips, it's just a kiss on his cheek that lasts barely a fraction of a second because it feels more like the brush of a small flame of fire that doesn't last long enough.

"Hi."

"Hi ..." His voice is a sigh, but he doesn't care.

"Are you two going to stay there?" Zoe's voice interrupts them as she stands in front of them with her hands on her waist.

"Don't bother us." Connor mutters.

"Fuc-"

"Hi, you must be Evan!" Mrs. Murphy comes up to them with a smile as she wipes her hands with a napkin. "I'm Cynthia, Connor and Zoe's mom," she says reaching out to Evan, he takes it and shakes it before offering her the bouquet.

"Thanks for inviting me."

"Oh Evan, it's beautiful, thank you." She squeezes him into a hug before sniffing the bouquet. "Connor, why don't you and Evan go find a vase for the flowers?"

Connor says nothing before pulling Evan by his castless arm to drag him almost to the second floor where they enter Mrs. Murphy's office to search for a vase among all the crates of craft supplies that filled the room. Connor closed the door behind him and turned on him almost like lightning.

"Thanks for coming."

"Are you sure it's okay for me to be h-here?"

"My mom literally hugged you like you were a baby." Evan blushed. "However, it still bothers me that she kept my flowers."

"S-sorry, seriously I-"

"Ev, I'm kidding, don't worry." The two stared at each other for a few seconds before Evan reached for Connor's wet hair. Connor blushed and recoiled nervously, almost tripping over a box that was behind him and throwing all its contents.

"Oh my god Connor I'm so sorry, I didn't me-mean to, oh no I'm really so sorry ..."

On the floor under the feet of the pair of teenagers, a pile of drawings spread around the room. Many of those drawings showed werewolves surrounded by ghosts, fairies flying in fantastic places, beautiful forests with centaurs.

"Wow, this is awesome." Evan picked up a few and admired them as Connor hurried to collect them all. "Who made it?"

"Uhm ... me, when I was in seventh grade."

"Connor, you have an incredible talent, like fucking amazing."

"If you're damning about it maybe I should believe you." The tips of Evan's ears turn red.

"I'm just saying you're like, r-really good at it, Connor." Connor smiles at him.

"Maybe I should go back to art then."

"You could draw something on my c-cast, I mean, if you...like, if you want, I'm not forcing you or whatever, I just really like your art, you're very t-talented ... that's what I mean."

Connor turns around and searches for something among his mother's boxes until he pulls out a blue sharpie and asks Evan to sit in the chair by the desk. Evan complies with the request and Connor kneels in front of him with his face totally red.

"Do you have something in mind?"

"What-?" Evan asks in a small voice.

"Is there something you want me to draw?" The touch of Connor's hands on Evan's knees makes him nervous and his brain totally disconnects. Nothing comes to mind, suddenly nothing seems good enough.

"I don't know, do what you want." Connor squints his eyes and wrinkles his nose for a second before drawing something on Evan's cast.

For dinner, Mrs. Murphy prepares Mexican food and serves them a dish called Pozole. At first everything is too quiet and the only one who speaks at the table is Connor's mother who asks him personal questions and tells him some things, Evan answers some and Connor intervenes in others surprising Evan by how protective he's regarding issues who knows they're a bit picky for Evan.

After dinner, Cynthia, as Mrs. Murphy asked Evan to call her, served them dessert, rice pudding. Zoe helped herself at least three times and Mr. Murphy, who had been very quiet since the start of dinner, finally made his way over to Connor.

"Is it because of him you're not home all day?" Evan watches Connor squeeze the fork in his hand.

"I have a job, Larry," he says curtly.

"And what do you do with that money?"

"Are you seriously going to ask me that now? Right here?" Connor's voice turns sour.

Larry sets the utensils aside. "Well, I want to know if you two at least paying a hotel or your protection."

Connor slams the table with the palms of his hands getting to his feet. "With that money my psychologist paid."

"Larry, leave him alone." Cynthia intervenes with a different look than the one she had all night.

The man removes the napkin from his lap and leaves the dining room. Connor stays in the same position until the sound of his footsteps is non-existent and Zoe rolled her eyes because Connor could never control his impulses.

Evan felt out of place on this stage.

  
"I'll go start the car," Connor said before heading out the door.

"I'm sorry you saw that, Evan, don't take that bad image of us and come back to visit us whenever you want."

"Y-yes, thank you, Mrs. Murphy." The woman kissed him on the forehead and left Evan alone in front of Zoe.

She waited patiently until Cynthia was out of sight to corner Evan. "I saw your mark peeled off when you came back from washing your hands, what are you and Connor up to?"

Evan's heart stopped and he felt like it had dropped to the bottom of his stomach. A chill ran through his body and he made his face so pale that for a moment he felt all his blood froze on his feet. In the end Zoe Murphy had found out, found out that Evan was lying to her brother and now she was going to rat him out with everyone and he would be taken for a liar and the Murphys would never speak to him again, especially Connor, who would hate him completely.

"Evan, are we going?" Connor approached the pair noticing the tense atmosphere between his sister and Evan. "What the fuck did you tell him, Zoe?"

"Nothing, I'm just doing my interrogation as a big sister." Evan shrugged instead. "As a matter of fact, I'll take Evan to continue this." The girl snatched the keys from his hand and gestured for Evan to listen.

"Your sister will t-take me, Connor, you better go up to rest." The other boy looked at him confused, Evan was quick to give him a quick kiss on the cheek before leaving. "Thanks for e-e-everything, really, I had a lot of fun with you. See you Monday at school."

"Goodbye..."

**ZOE**

"You have two minutes to explain everything to me, Hansen." Zoe's piercing eyes focused on Evan's trembling body for two seconds before hitting the road again.

At that point Evan began to freak out enough to get Zoe to remove her annoyed bad cop expression and park in the first available spot. Evan was moving back and forth holding her hair between his fingers. The girl could hear the boy's loud sobs and a series of "I'm sorry" that Evan was babbling between moans.

Zoe took off her belt and searched desperately for what to do. She knew that Evan had problems with his anxiety and strong panic attacks, she had seen him last year when the horrible history proffesor forced him to speak into a microphone and when he stuttered the first sentence, he yelled that he was a phenomenon in front to several guys who laughed.

Zoe treated him like that stupid professor ...

"Evan I'm sorry, Evan ..." She looked in the glove compartment of the car for something to help her and thus found the stress ball her mother used on Connor when he was thirteen years old. "Listen, I'm sorry I yelled at you, but I need you to look at me so I can help you with this."

It took Evan a long time to turn to her, and when he finally did, Zoe handed him the stress ball helping him squeeze it in his hands at first.

"Can I buy you an ice cream to talk about this?" Evan began to breathe again with difficulty. "No, no, no, okay, I just want to know what's up with Connor...please?"

A la mode was open until eleven at night, and Zoe was never happier about it. At least not since Alana invited her along with a group of guys from the drama club and met Arthur.

She greets the lady who runs the ice cream parlor and takes care of ordering both with Evan behind her. They both walk to the tables and sit in one of the booths in the back. Zoe as always has a blackberry cheesecake ice cream and Evan has a plain chocolate one.

Zoe analyzes the boy in front of her, he's concentrating on taking small portions of his ice cream as if he doesn't want to get the least bit dirty. Evan reminds him in many ways of his brother when things started to change. Connor was nothing more than a shy boy who became quiet over time, stopped going to play with her and began to spend the day in his room without leaving the bed until he became a thin body full of fury and screaming it was destined to land on her most of the time.

Zoe had buried the memory of old Connor long ago very deep. That quiet Connor who drew pictures on the walls of his tree house was something that no longer existed. That Connor was dead no matter how much his mother refused to accept it.

"We can talk now?"

Evan stops eating ice cream, lowers his gaze and bites his lips, sticking out his tongue repeatedly before gulping and explaining. "I ... lied, lied about everything, I always lie, it's all I do and it wasn't my intention, but Connor appreciated it and Jared saw it and he- he just brought us to-together and ... I don't w-want to b-buh-be the only weirdo in the world with no one and I know it's selfish, but I'm ... I'm scared. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, Zoe. "

"Evan, you ... what?"

"I don't have a soulmate mark ... I drew mine myself."

**EVAN**

"ONE LAST TIME, YOU DID WHAT!?" Jared's uproarious laugh pierced his eardrums.

"I lied about my mark, Jared and now Zoe Murphy knows it."

"Jesus fucking Christ, you're dead, Hansen and not because of those stupid scientists who live in your sexual fantasies, when Emo Murphy discovers it he'll kill you." Evan felt the knot in his stomach.

"She said she won't tell him anything ..."

"Yeah, so what when he finds his girl? There are no male couples, Hansen. A cute girl is waiting for Connor Jr."

Evan hadn't thought about that, he was too selfish and didn't even think that a girl was destined for Connor, another person belonged to Connor's side and when that person came into Connor's life, he would have to explain that this was all a deception and that it was just a horrible coincidence between her lie and Connor.

"Man, are you still there?"

"On Monday I have to tell him that I'm not his soul mate."

"Are you sure? Zoe Murphy is covering your ass."

"It's the right thing to do, isn't it?"

"Wait, Evan ... do you like him? Do you like... Connor?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had planned to update and write more, but there's a contest I want to enter so I can pay for my top surgery and my HRT, of course, only if I win, lol. So I really need to push myself at that.
> 
> I'm bad at writing dinners especially for food, so I used Mexican food because it's the only one I can say that I'm almost an expert on.


	6. I catch a paper boy, but things don't really change

**EVAN**

Does Evan like Connor?

Evan shuts down the computer after cutting off the call with Jared ignoring his calls for the rest of the story.

Of course Evan liked being with Connor, he would say too much, that he already knew. Connor aroused a sense of calm that Evan had rarely felt with a few other people.

In a way, Evan believed it was because Connor was like him in a certain way; Connor hated his father as much as he hated his, he had trouble socializing, he was a bit of a mess with his words and Connor was just as mad at being himself as he was. Although Evan would never understand why someone as amazing as Connor could hate himself so much.

Yes, of course Connor had some issues with his emotions and there were days when he wasn't the best version of himself, but they all had bad days. He was not a robot without feelings, Connor felt too intensely.

Sometimes Evan spent weeks without leaving his bed, he barely got out of bed to go to the bathroom and his mother had to force him to eat most of the time, he did not shower and cried just imagining going out into the outside world with so many people; his body burned and numbed at the thought of being so exposed to himself. As if that was going to kill him any minute if Evan didn't do it himself. But since Connor came into her life ... something had changed, of course he didn't heal out of nowhere in less than two weeks, it's not like all the lack of confidence and self-esteem of so many years has vanished like a sneeze .

Evan wasn't the most confident and handsome boy in the place, much less did he feel that way, however, he no longer felt so alone and lost, he no longer walked alone through the corridors and avoided eating because going to that row in the dining room and finding a table where he was well received were no longer a problem.

Now there was a place to go and be understood even on the worst days. Evan had a table that he shared with Connor where they were not harassed and although Evan and even Connor himself hated the reputation they had created for him, it helped a lot so that they were not disturbed.

Of course the looks were not long in coming, if before Evan felt that everyone was looking at him, now he was almost certain that it was so even when he did not have Connor glued to him at the end of the classes.

People called them the next school shooters, as if being a rejected couple in love was going to turn them into Bonnie and Clyde out of nowhere.

Connor had told him last Thursday that he would not kill anyone. "If I were to live with a death on my hands," Connor said eating a chocolate bar that he was apparently a fan of. "At least I would be a person who really deserves to die, a transphobic racist or a pedophile, not a stupid teenager with no future."

Evan wouldn't kill anyone, guilt would kill himself, and that was just wrong. He knew Connor wouldn't either, he seemed sensitive to blood.

The rest of the weekend was a torment where Evan debated for hours whether telling Connor was something he really had to do.

He had to do it? Yes. Did he wanna do this? That was a totally different question.

Naturally he wanted to tell the truth from the beginning, but something stopped him. Evan had a dangerous imagination, his very anxiety motivated him to pose the worst possible scenarios. However, now he was different, although he knew that the boy was going to disown him for the rest of his life, he liked Connor a lot and he did it every day.

Evan never imagined himself as the guy who could have a partner. He never imagined having a soul mate and while Connor really wasn't one to him, he really felt like one.

Even in the smallest details, he felt that the two understood each other in an almost dark way. As if they were linked in some way.

That night, Evan dreamed of Connor.

Monday came like lightning.

Sunday passed so quickly that Evan didn't have time to fully digest everything and when he woke up that morning, he did so with a queasy stomach on the verge of expelling all of his dinner from the night before.

And he took that as a kick from the truth telling him to do the right thing and to tell the truth for once in his life.

Evan decided he had to tell Connor the whole truth. If he liked the boy as much as he thought, that would be the right thing to do. Because you do the right thing for the people you love, right?

Heidi left him outside the school despite being asked by Connor if he wanted him to drive him in his car. The truth is that Evan wanted to have a fictional moment an extra second where she could pretend that Connor was really okay with her.

The hallway felt overwhelmingly hot as hell. There was hardly anyone there because it is early in the morning and it is almost the end of the year, no one in their right mind goes to school early in the last month of classes, much less the students who are getting their marks. Parents usually took teenagers to a kind of meeting that was held to bring together all possible partners. If they could decide between classes or their lifelong partner, they would definitely choose their partner and make it to high school later.

Except Evan, who prefers not to deal with crowds when he's checking his locker first thing in the morning.

"Hi, you." Evan turns quickly to Connor who is tapping him on the shoulder. The place of touch burns him in a chill that ran through his body.

"Connor," he says as if that's a problem and he sees it in Connor's expression. "No, I m-mean, I didn't expect to see you here so er, so early, what are you doing here? Not be-because that buh-buh-bothers me or something ... just to clarify."

Connor holds out a rose for Evan. "I cut it off this morning after your last message." Evan is stumped for two seconds before reaching for the rose that Connor was offering him. "We didn't get a chance to talk Saturday night because Zoe intruded, so did you like having dinner with my totally dysfunctional family?"

Evan nodded flushed. "Y-yes, your mother is lovely and so is Zoe."

"Ans I don't?" Connor joked lowering his head with pink cheeks and hair covering half his face.

Evan doesn't know where he got the courage or momentum from, but he grabbed all of Connor's hair that was covering half of his face and tucked it behind Connor's ear.

Their faces turned red and Evan almost blew out all the air in his lungs in such an awkward laugh that he seemed to have invoked Connor's own discomfort that was staring at him puzzled.

Of course that was a bad idea, what was he thinking? Connor would think he was a weirdo who went through life touching people's hair. Now he will leave him and will never speak to him again because he exceeded the limit of contact between them.

Connor raised his hand in a gesture to move closer to Evan's face. The blond boy sank into place closing his eyes tightly waiting for the impact of Connor's blow that never came because he got a caress instead. Connor cupped Evan's chin in one of his hands with a gentle touch.

"I can ask you...?" Connor paused to look at Evan's hands. The face redder than ever, so red that it almost seemed to glow as bright as a stop light. "Are we dating now? Like ... we're dating?" He looked away now concentrating on the tips of his shoes touching.

Evan becomes a racing heart, the strangest sensation he has ever felt in his life takes hold of him and it is as if his body is strangely heavy and yet he can stand up and float as if it's as light as a feather.

Did Connor want them to be boyfriends? Did Connor Murphy want to be his boyfriend? Evan really wanted to be, he liked the idea of being officially Connor's boyfriend, he had wanted to hold his hand for days, or lean his head on Connor's shoulder and even stick his fingers through all his shiny hair, but that wasn't it was correct, because the reason was that Connor probably believed that Evan is his soulmate.

This was the moment, Evan had to tell Connor that he lied and that his mark is fake.

"Evan, can I talk to you?" Connor almost growled in annoyance.

"What the fuck do you want?" The girl frowned and ignored her brother.

"Evan? It's about the other day." Zoe sounded almost demanding, Evan glanced at each of the Murphys before agreeing to go with Zoe.

"Can you wait for me?" Connor nodded with a vulnerable expression that made Evan feel guilty. Evan gave him a kiss on the cheek under Zoe's watchful gaze before ducking his head and leaving with her.

Zoe guides him into a hallway where she makes sure that Connor, or anyone else, is listening to them.

"Listen Evan, about your mark-"

"I'll tell you today, I swear, I was about to do it when you arrived." Evan interrupts.

"No, Evan, I don't want you to tell him." The boy's confused gaze fell on her as his mouth opened and closed without knowing what to say. "I need you to continue with this."

"But, Zoe, he's going to ha-hate me when his... when his soul mate shows up and realizes that I-I lied to him."

"Evan, Connor can't have a soul mate."

The boy denied several times between babbling frowning. Why did Zoe keep saying that Connor couldn't have a soul mate?

"Stop talking about him like that, s-so-someone out there's going to love him as he deserves, take care of him and help him. Just because now he is not perfect doesn't mean that he's a lost c-cause, he's incredible and- and very special-"

"Do you really like him?" Evan feels his face turn red. Today it has reached a record.

"W-hat do you meh-m-mean?" He asks in a nervous laugh that comes out like a sigh.

"You really like my brother, don't you?" She doesn't look angry about it, she doesn't even look disgusted. "It shows too much that you like each other."

"Uh, no-"

"You said you don't have your mark either, did you?" Evan nodded. "Great, then you should stick with the mark, give me until the fair this month to see if my theory is correct, if in the end it is not ... then I will explain everything to Connor."

"But, Zoe, I don't ... I don't want to continue lying to him, he's going to hate me much more. Today he asked me to be his buh-boyf-boyfriend and if he finds out that all this time I lied he will think I was playing with him and he will never want to talk to me again because He will disown me and it will k-kill me ... "He tugged at her hair as his voice grew more and more agitated.

"Wait, did he ask you to be his boyfriend?" A laugh escaped his mouth. "I see, that means he really likes you. Trust me, Evan, he won't hate you."

"What if he does?"

"I'll kick him until he forgives you." She patted Evan's shoulder before heading off to class with her books in her hands. "See you later."

Evan returned to Connor; he was still waiting for him by Evan's locker while he played with his feet, he looked cute doing that. Evan had never noticed how pretty Connor looks when he's in his own world.

He rushed to Murphy's side, Connor raised his head when he saw him and stepped away for Evan to finish pulling out his books. The blond kid had math first thing in the morning, which was gross because Evan sucked at math. Connor had no idea what class he was in, he was probably going to lock himself in the bathroom to get high until lunchtime.

"So, what do you say?"

"Yes, I wa-want to be dating with you, Connor."

Connor smiled and bit his lip. "Great..."

"Hey, Evan, come here." Jared rose from his place from across the room so that Evan sat next to him. Jared hadn't invited him to sit next to him since his sixth year when Demian Green threatened to hit him for accusing him of throwing balls of drool at him. "Move your ass here and tell me what the fuck happened between you and Murphy."

Evan felt some glances move towards him. In general there were only a few girls and two boys in the room excluding him and Jared. "Uh ... now we're dating I gu-guess." Evan put his books on the bench and sat down.

Jared laughed. "Fuck, really? Didn't you tell him about your fake mark?" Evan's eyes widened and he covered Jared's mouth quickly. It would be horrible if someone listened to them and said something to Connor. "Get your hands off my face, Hansen, they're sweaty."

"Sorry."

"Anyway, won't you tell him?" Jared wiped his mouth on his shirt sleeve.

Evan shook his head in denial. "Zoe asked me not to." Evan wasn't quite sure if it was a good idea to have told Jared all this from the beginning, but he panicked and Jared was his only friend, or family friend in theory.

"Why?" He put on that weird face he makes when he comes up with some stupid thing that he thinks is too bright, but he's just too dumb. "Do you think she wants Connor to hate you to stay with you?" Evan grimaced in horror. That would be as horrible as it is impossible, especially coming from Zoe. "Who would have guessed, you have two idiot Murphys fighting over you, didn't you sleep with his mom too?"

"Shut your mouth, Jared." Jared laughed, leaning back in place and leaning into his arms that he propped behind his neck.

He looks at Evan and smirks. "I can't believe what you do for some free pizza." Move your eyebrows suggestively.

Evan strongly denies. "I didn't even remember that Connor worked at the pizza place." Evan muttered. Jared rolled his eyes like he didn't believe him.

"When you want to fuck you order a Hawaiian pizza? Is that your code?" The teacher comes to the classroom, but that doesn't stop Jared. Nothing is able to stop him once him starts. "You call and say, 'Hi, I want a Hawaiian pizza, but for the delivery guy to eat all the pineapple before he gets to my house'?" Evan would thank heaven if a meteor came and crushed him. "Is it like one of those sex lines? You call Murphy and ask him to show you his pepperoni?"

"Shut up, Jared, we don't do that."

"You lie." Kleinman crooned before mimicking an obscene gesture with his hands.

The rest of the class Jared ignored him and Evan appreciated that because he wasn't ready to deal with Jared's terrible sexual jokes today. His brain was full of thoughts about Connor, how could someone you know two weeks ago like you so much? Does Connor like Evan like that too? Would Connor have at least looked at him if it hadn't been for the marks? Evan doubted it, beautiful people like Connor usually get past ugly people like Evan.

His mother always told him that he was not ugly, that he was quite handsome, with thick eyebrows and blonde hair, and his mother's friends always flattered his blue eyes, but his father's aunts always talked about his weight. Evan wasn't thin, he was a little ... broad. His stomach was not flat and his legs were somewhat plump.

And in all this time together, Connor never mentioned anything about his weight. Maybe that meant he didn't care about such things, or was too polite to mention it.

Class ends when the bell rings, the teacher mentions something about an assignment Evan wrote down at the start of class, but no one is really listening anymore because class is over and everyone runs away.

"Will you eat with Connor?" Jared asks before loading his things.

"Yes, we always eat together." Evan says and he always seems a bit of an exaggeration, but to him it sounds like it always really involves a lifetime and not a couple of weeks. "Do you want to eat with us?"

"And that people think that I'm a school psychopath too? No, thanks." Jared slaps Evan on the chest before leaving and disappearing into the people flooding the hall.

Connor sits across from Evan with his tray of food. Today he has a sandwich and a soda that he knows isn't very healthy. Evan takes out his lunch; an apple and a bottle of water.

"Our lunches suck," Connor jokes, flinging himself onto the table. "Do you want to share?" Evan nods and puts his food in the center. "Have half my sandwich, and I'll trade you that stupid cereal bar for your apple."

"I thought you loved those cereal bars." Connor shrugged, wrinkling his nose.

"I hate this brand, it's horrible." Evan nodded, checking the wrapper on the cereal bar. "The portions aren't the exact size."

"Well, take my apple." Evan smiles.

"How were your classes today?" Connor asked biting into the apple. Evan uncapped the bottle of water and took a sip before biting into his slice of sandwich.

"They were good, I guess." Evan's shoulders sagged. "Jared gave me a seat next to him and he was making jokes about how we had phone sex with pizza related words."

Oh no.

Why he said that?

"I m-mean, you can ignore that, nothing Jared says is good, he alw-always jokes like that and I told him we didn't do that at all, don't worry."

"He's an idiot," she said in an awkward laugh. "If he bothers you again tell me to hit him."

"Would you hit him seriously?" Evan asked concerned.

"No, I have the strength of a hungry baby." Joked.

"At least you are fierce." Connor laughed. That seemed like a victory to him.

"Do you want to go out after six thirty today? I can pick you up and go somewhere." Evan blushed before nodding. He liked hanging out with Connor after his shift at the pizzeria, last week they went to the pier for hamburgers although neither of them like hamburgers and two days after that, Connor got tickets to a children's recital performing a children's movie .

"Do you have something in mind?" The favorite part of his outings with Connor's that they weren't totally random, there was at least one plan that relaxed Evan so he could be ready for anything.

"I was planning to rent The Lorax and buy all the goodies we like." Connor unstopped his soda and took a long sip. "But we can do something else if you want."

"That sounds good, my mom won't be home, we can see him there." Connor smiled.

"Then I'll pick you up at six thirty."

"I can call earlier to order pizza and have you leave earlier, right?" Connor laughed, bumping his knees into Evan's knees.

"If you do I'll love you more." Evan's stomach churns.

The first time Evan saw Jared, they were both seven years old, their father had just left the house and Jared's mother was an emotional support for Evan's mother and Heidi wasted no time in switching Evan to schools so that he was around from his new and only friend, Jared. But Evan knew that Jared didn't like him very much, they were very different, Evan was a shy and anxious kid, while Jared was loud and outgoing.

Evan and Jared didn't have much fun together, Jared was given his first X-Box and got upset when his parents wouldn't let him use it until he invited Evan to premiere it. Like any child, the first game they gave him was a Fifa and Halo: Reach. Evan didn't like either one of them and since he refused to play Jared's parents didn't let him play until he convinced Evan.

In the end, Evan played Halo: Reach and lost each time until Jared was fed up and so they had a fight where Evan got a scar on his knee and Jared scraped both knees.

There were not even blows; Jared tripped when he tried to pounce on Evan, he fell to the floor and Evan cut himself on the coffee table.

Jared didn't play the X-box again until he was twelve and his grandmother gave him Halo 4.

The relationship between the two of them was never easy, Evan always blamed how different they were, but both knew that it was always the palpable fact that neither decided to be friends with the other, their mothers simply decided that since they were friends, their children would also have to be; and Jared's parents felt sorry for the anxious, introverted boy who was abandoned by his father.

Evan didn't blame Jared for labeling him as a family friend because they had always been that, the difference is that Jared had more friends and Jared was the only thing Evan had; at least until Connor arrived.

"And what about Zoe Murphy? Will you stop jerking off while checking her Instagram?" Evan rolls his eyes as Jared raises his eyebrows over and over suggestively across the computer screen. Why did he think making a video call with him was a good idea?

"I never did that, Jared." Jared laughed sarcastically and whispered 'that's not what the Vaseline says next to your bed.' Evan turned the computer so that it stopped focusing on his nightstand with a flushed face. "I don't think I really liked Zoe, I mean, nm-now that I think about it uh-it seems I just felt admiration for her ... b-buh-because she's amazing, but... I don't think I was in love like I originally thought, you kn-know and I just- uh... is that possible?"

"I'm not interested, Evan." Jared rolled his eyes. "Didn't you say that Murphy was coming to your house?"

"Uh- yeah, he'll text I order pizza so he'll leave earlier to the work."

"Oh, so you do really have a pizza code for sex?" Jared put on that perverted expression that made Evan get goose bumps.

"God, Jared, no, it's not that-"

"I heard you got a message."

"Yes, I thi-think it's Connor." Evan unlocked his cell phone screen to see the message.

"Does anyone else text you?" Jared joked taking a drink from his bottle of Dr. Pepper.

**(6:03 pm)**   
**I'm finally free, will you make the order?**

Evan smiled barely stretching his lips.

**(6:03 pm)**   
_Sure, do you have any suggestions?_

**(6:05 pm)**   
**definitely not Hawaiian, lmao.**

Evan's face turned totally red and he heard Jared laugh at him for it. Evan said a quick goodbye to Jared before cutting off the call in the middle of a sentence from Jared that he didn't have time to finish.

How likely was he and Connor to do those things? Would Connor want to do them? And most importantly, did you want to do them with Evan? Evan wouldn't know how to get out of a situation like that, that was the limit and they hadn't even really kissed, Connor had only kissed him on the cheek and although that was already enough to set Evan's heart soaring, he actually wanted more.

**(6:08 pm)**   
_I ordered a pepperoni pizza._

**(6:08 pm)**   
**great choice, I'm on my way. ;)**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm writing this at one-thirty in the morning when I'm going to start my classes in the morning, and this is kind of ridiculously short, but my brain can't take any more and the pressure of classes always helps me come up with ideas so I hope this have no more than ten chapters.
> 
> I probably die now and sorry for the misspellings. :(

**Author's Note:**

> If you read this, I deeply appreciate it and hope you enjoyed it.


End file.
